Confessions of a Recovering Nice Guy

“I’m a Nice Guy. I’m not like those douchebag, toxically masculine guys. For that reason I deserve a good woman.”

If you’re a Nice Guy, you’ve probably said or thought this before. I sure have. I was the poster-child Nice Guy.

Like you, I once believed that being nice was the highest virtue.

I’m polite, gentle, courteous. I always say “yes” and never reject anyone. It’s all about pleasing other people, especially women.

So you can imagine my confusion and bewilderment when this was not working for me.

Sure, women appreciated me.

I have been told how gentle I am, what a good listener I am, and what a wonderful friend I am.

How was it that no matter how much of a catch they said I was, they would still go for the other guys?

I’ll be honest, I hated it.

I was bitter and resentful.

That’s something people don’t really know: Nice Guys aren’t actually that nice.

But I sure as hell wasn’t going to let any women know this.

How could I?

I was committed to the small life of the Nice Guy.

I didn’t know anything else.

I wanted to blame women. And I did… in my own head.

But after some painfully honest reflection, I had to admit that I was the common denominator in all my interactions with women.

I was trying to Nice Guy myself into a relationship.

And I was afraid.

I was deeply afraid of how much women aroused me.

How easily their smile could send a jolt through my body and make my face red and my hands sweat.

And don’t even get me started on sexual desire.

That was taboo.

I believed it was bad and unsafe to myself and to women to acknowledge sexual desire.

It’s toxic, violent, and harmful.

I didn’t want to be a dangerous man. I wanted to be a safe man.

I became so safe that I emasculated and neutered myself.

I became a harmless Nice Guy.

It’s what women have said they want.

This belief of mine was shattered once I observed how well received 50 Shades of Grey was by women.

And when I learned that some of the most vocal feminists and conservative religious women were reading it in secret?

Damn…

I had to go into research mode.

What is this split and integrated shadow in women and men?

I found my answers.

I read.

I studed.

I observed.

And I studied myself deeply.

With my blood, sweat, and tears I dug and dug into my psyche.

What are you afraid of?

What are you afraid of?

What are you afraid of?

I was afraid of my primal masculine edge.

I was afraid to show up in the world, so I curved my spine and tucked my cock to the inside of my legs.

In doing so, I castrated my masculine brilliance, just like so many men today have done.

And so I repented.

I turned fiercely towards all the parts of myself I had abandoned.

I apologized to them.

I asked for forgiveness.

And I held them.

Dark and light came together.

I am both the gentle man and the dangerous man.

I resolved to no longer hide this from myself or from women.

Here’s a poem I wrote about it:

To Honor and To Ravish

To the woman who shall be my beloved,

Do you really want to tame me?

To have a man who no longer has that twinkle and luster in his eye?

To have a man whom you can keep on a leash to restrain his wild heart?

To have a “safe” love under your conditions? To have polite sex?

To the woman who shall be my beloved,

Do you only want my hardness?

To not care for the intricacies, mysteries, and stories of my heart?

To only fuck wildly and lustfully?

Yet avoid the soul-searing experience of being seen fully in your nakedness?

The truth is I am both.

I am the man who longs to ravish you.

And I am the man who longs to honor and cherish you.

This is the meeting of my dark masculine edge and my fierce, tender heart.

To the woman who shall be my beloved,

I adore you. I love you…

And I want to fuck you through the wall.

I want to run my hand through your hair and hear your moans stretch across the threads that stitch together the universe.

I want you to feel my passion.

My fire will burn away the impurities and blemishes that no longer serve you.

And my fire will warm you in the ways you’ve so deeply longed to be held and caress all the hurts that no one ever apologized for.

I will gaze deeply into your eyes, and I will fuck you open to God.

These are the words I will say to my woman, to my wife. For they have been words and feelings I have longed to express, but never allowed myself to be okay with.

And so the only place I could do this was in the shadows.

This is the split within men and women:

Madonna/Whore and Dark Masculine/Nice Guy.

The path to healing is integrating this split within ourselves and in sacred union.

Hiding is not an option.

To the woman who shall be my beloved,

My desire is to penetrate you with my heart and my cock, for they are inextricably connected.

And I know the right woman wants to receive this from me and will invite, ask, beg this of me.

And I shall be delighted to give it to her.

And guess what?

I met this woman.

She came into my life like a thunderbolt.

She is mine and I am hers.

In honoring myself I met the woman who honors my heart.

So to the Nice Guys listening, take heart.

You are meant for more than just a nice and small life.

It’s yours for the taking if you want it.

But make no mistake. It will cost you.

This journey is not for the faint of heart.

I was once there.

As someone who has traversed that path and continues, I wish you well.

Straighten your spine, open your heart, and drop into your cock.

Plant your feet firmly into the ground.

You deserve to be here.

It’s time to awaken the Sacred Wildman.