Emotionally Unavailable Men & The Mother Complex

One of the unacknowledged roots of "emotionally unavailable men" is the mother complex. He has perfect reason to feel afraid of intimacy, because at his most vulnerable moments as a boy it was consciously/unconsciously held hostage by his own mother - his first love.

As much as mothers love their sons, they are not immune to projecting their own hopes, desires, fears, & frustrations onto them. Being a son who wants his mother to be happy, he interprets these things as any child would - "I must mold myself to my mother's preferences."

What is not done to his mother's preferences is met with the withdrawal of her love/approval. To a young boy, this is an emotionally terrifying threat. To lose that softness, warmth, & love is experienced as abandonment. He'll do whatever it takes to avoid that.

He behaves.

This behavior eventually leads to the buildup of subconscious resentment. He wants the love, safety, & approval... But also wants his own freedom & live on his own terms without feeling the looming shadow of disapproval hanging over him.

He deeply desires intimacy while also fears being smothered by it, as was the case with his mother. This leads to feelings of ambivalence about women & his relationship to the feminine.

Anytime a woman says he shouldn't have done something the way he did,
Should have done something that he didn't think or know to do,
Feel what he isn't feeling,
Or not feel what he is feeling,
He is reminded of the smothering mother complex.

Who/how you are is not okay.

Is it a surprise at this point why this mother complex would lead men to being "emotionally unavailable?"

To begin to heal requires beginning with understanding. Shaming men for being "emotionally unavailable" will not inspire them to want to be more emotionally available.

If you’re a woman who finds yourself in a relationship with a man who might be “emotionally unavailable,” here is what you can do:

Express from a centered state: “Babe, I deeply desire to feel connected to you. And I have been sensing that you’re not always fully here. You’re an amazing man and I want to build a life together. Feeling connected to you is something my heart needs for that to happen. Would you be willing to work through this with me or a coach/men’s group?”

If he says yes, then now there is already a shift and the two of you are having honest conversations which builds intimacy.

(Note: do not expect him to connect with you the way your girlfriends connect with you. How he emotes and expresses himself will be different. It’s supposed to be.)

If he has said yes, but has not followed through or demonstrated he has interest in working it out together, the best thing you can do then is to tell him, “I’m sure you have your reasons for why this has been difficult. I trust you to sort it out on your own exactly the way it needs to happen. I will be taking my leave because I see this is as far as we can go together.” And you take your leave because that is the best thing that can happen for both of you. It may come with grief and heartache, maybe even anger. Teething isn’t always comfortable as the infant or mother, but it is a part of growth. Better for the two of you to part ways and possibly come back together than stay together in stagnation.

If he says no, you get clarity that he is not the man for you. You will release expectations that he should be such a man, which frees both of you. The right man will be delighted to align with you; and he may completely surprise you and make you question if you are ready for him ;)

If you’re a man who tends to be more emotionally closed off, but deeply desire to connect intimately with a woman, here is what you can do:

Work with a coach or therapist. This could be someone who specializes in men’s issues, relationships, or sex & intimacy. You can also join a men’s group. These are playgrounds where you can know yourself more deeply and unpack and release things you’ve been carrying that no longer serve you. As you connect with a coach, therapist, or other men you naturally become more connected to yourself and to others which will directly translate into your relationship.

While in your relationship practice speaking to what is going on for you. This doesn’t need to be groundbreaking. It can be as simple as, “I’m feeling a bit zoned out today. I’m not sure why but I’ll be fine. I just want you to know what’s going on for me so you know if I seem a little disconnected right now.” She hears from you what’s going on and that you’ll be fine, which means she can relax because she knows you got it.

This is something you can practice within yourself. Pause for 2 minutes to notice, “what thoughts are going on? What feelings and sensations are going on?” It’s like you’re taking your own temperature so you can give a reading to yourself and others. Are you undercooked? Over-cooked? Having awareness means you can now consciously respond vs unconsciously respond (e.g. yelling, dissociating, numbing). 

If there is more you’d like to talk through or have questions, send me a message. I’m happy to connect and provide you more clarity and insight.