How Feminism and White Knight Complexes are Destroying Men
Feminism is commonly heralded as a universal ideal. The common associations are advocating for gender equality, condemning discrimination and violence against women, and fighting for the welfare of the oppressed. This all sounds good on paper, but it is far from the actual reality of how modern feminism is expressed. Modern feminism has morphed into its own form of toxicity, which has led to an unhinged dismantling of masculinity and men. There’s no question that men deeply need healing, it is why I decided to focus specifically on working with men. However, this is only half the picture. The other half is acknowledging how modern feminism in the West has neutered and demoralized men while upholding the sense that women can do no wrong. It’s important to note that I didn’t always feel this way. The irony is that just two years ago I would have been the very man who would be criticizing the me now writing this blog. Perhaps I’d be calling myself a misogynist or at the bare minimum a wounded man who needed to work out his issues with women. And yet, the truth is I’ve always had issues with women. My issue was that I could never be good enough for women. This started early when my parents divorced when I was eight years old and I sided with my mom because I was scared of my dad and my mom seemed so much more protective of me than he was. At least, that was the case for a time.After the initial honeymoon period of believing I was better off in the more loving care of my mom, I began to experience the other side of the coin. Constant criticism, shaming, and temper tantrums began to dominate my experience of my mom. Granted she was stretched as a single mom, I can acknowledge that she used me as a depository for all her frustrations, unmet needs, wants, and desires. This isn’t a burden any child should carry for their parents. You can read more about the power of the mother-son bond in my blog here or watch my video about it here. Iyanla Vanzant also has a very powerful interaction where she holds a mother accountable for the impossible expectations she places on her son. You can watch that here.This experience of boys being raised by single moms is not an uncommon one. Since the 1960s women’s rights movement, the number of boys sharing a similar experience to mine has been on the rise. Such boys grow up to become adult men who tend to prefer hanging out with women more than men. They also tend to develop a “white knight” complex, determined to caretake a woman of all her woes and exalt her as a divine queen. This is generally a pattern carried on from childhood that seeks to continue to caretake mom, be good enough for her, and save her from the “bad” men in her life and eventually be bestowed by her favor and attention as “the good boy” who is not “like those other men.” The qualities of the hero and the martyr cannot be overstated. There is often a strong charge of eros embedded in these fantasies as well. Unfortunately, these men tend to suck with women. As a recovering Nice Guy and one who still wrestles with a white knight complex at times, I can testify to this painful reality. “If I’m such a catch like these women are telling me and such a good listener, why won’t they date me!?” Here we see the other side of the Nice Guy, a guy who actually isn’t that nice, but bitter, entitled, and miserable. I’ll say it right now, a Nice Guy or man who has a white knight complex is far more dangerous to women than a man who is assertive and isn’t afraid to walk away from women who project their emotions and internal issues onto him. “A harmless man isn’t a good man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control.”
And that's the problem with many modern men; they have no edge to them, no sharpness. Instead, they are passive, soft, and lack drive (others have called this floppycock). These men cannot protect women in the way that women actually need and desire. This speaks to the dynamic of why women go for the “bad boys.” While he might treat her in some awful ways, there is a certain edge to him as well as a “I don’t give a fuck” attitude that arouses her because she subconsciously knows that he will not kowtow to her shit-testing. She also knows that, from an evolutionary standpoint, a man who can stand his ground without being steamrolled by her is a man who can protect her and is worthy of bearing her children. This is why Nice Guys finish last. You can learn more about the downfalls and dangers of needing to be a Nice Guy here. For any men who doubt this and have pushback, I invite you to consider this: 50 Shades of Grey did exceptionally well with women. 50 Shades of Grey is an erotic novel about BDSM and a man dominating a woman. I guarantee you women aren’t turned on by this novel because they are lusting for some Nice Guy floppycock. No. They are aroused by and looking for a man who is deeply comfortable and confident in his masculine core so that they can relax and surrender into their feminine core. While the main male character in this book, Christian Grey, is far from what I would consider confident and integrated, he helps illustrate the dance between feminine and masculine energies within BDSM. This is the complementary nature of polarity: feminine and masculine, yin and yang, light and dark.
Feminism has killed this polarity between men and women. Many of the male clients I work with have described their wives as the ones wearing the pants in the relationship. At the same time, their wives are also not happy. They nag and challenge him, which is a genuine communication of frustration that is saying, “Why won’t you stand up!? Why won’t you take charge!? Why don’t you have an opinion!? Where is your spine!?” This is an expression from her feminine core that desires her man to provide clarity, safety, and structure. Only when a man fully owns and steps into his masculine core can his woman finally relax and surrender into her feminine. Her voice will become softer and she will likely smile more, reminding you of her feminine allure that you were attracted to in the first place. But if you’re a Nice Guy or a doormat white knight who she knows she can control, she will lose respect for you. Infidelity is not uncommon in these scenarios. While feminism may have started with good intentions and reasonable demands for equality, it has morphed into a bitter and miserable club who’s only rallying cry is how awful men are and how men are the reason why everything is terrible. This isn’t to deny that men have perpetrated great harm on women and the world; men most certainly have. AND men have also done and continue to do a lot of good. Railroads and houses are predominantly, if not exclusively, built by men. The gas and oil we use are mined by men on oil rigs. And men operate the industrial port cranes and shipping boats that carry and transport the consumer goods you order from the comfort of your own home. Men have historically worked jobs where workplace injury or even death are routine occurrences. I don’t hear any appreciation about these things from feminists; it’s just taken for granted.With the predominant narrative and feeling being so negative, it’s no wonder men are more lost and depressed than ever before. Will Spencer, in this podcast, makes a great point about the toxic feminine power of shaming. A man may be able to physically dominate a woman, but a woman can wound his heart and castrate him emotionally. This usually starts with the mother-son relationship. This shaming power of the feminine can also be seen in how the West handles sociopolitical issues: cancel culture, political correctness, and character assassination. This is toxic feminism and the tyrannical mother at play. Guilty until proven innocent is the name of the game. In such a covertly hostile environment, well-meaning men have begun to censor themselves. The tyrannical mother has been internalized and polices from the inside. It is a covert form of suffocation, like a muffling noxious gas.
I had the opportunity to witness these toxic characteristics within inner circles of girls and women during my Nice Guy phase of life. Gossip was rampant within these circles. There were smaller sub-groups within the larger group. These women would gossip and talk shit about others behind their back, then return to the larger group with smiles and pleasantries without skipping a beat. I would mold myself to whoever I was around. I also noticed myself agreeing with women so that I would be liked and fit in. I essentially had no concept of a Self separate from women, and this is something I see with many men today. These men follow the groupthink/mob mentality of the group and have no idea who they are, but look to women/the group to tell them who they are and how they should behave. With men being so aimless and disconnected from their masculine edge, their only source of comfort is to align themselves with what women say they want. The belief is that, “Well if men just suck in general, my chances are probably better if I just play it safe and do what women want – at least then I won’t be alone.” Unfortunately, this does not pan out well in the long run. Many women in the West subscribe to the extremist ideologies and sentiments of modern feminism. By extreme I mean the notion that men are problematic simply by virtue of being a man (e.g. the familiar trope of “all men are trash”). You can read examples of these ideologies and sentiments here: [1] [2] [3] [4].These ideologies and sentiments only breed a sense of miserable entitlement, not true empowerment. Feminists have dug their own grave while continuing to deflect personal responsibility for their well-being, continuing to blame men for all their problems and the world’s problems. These women also have no problem stepping on each other – this is what bitter, miserable, and immature women do. As has been said by many men in the “red pill” community, “Women want the power of a man, privilege of a woman, and accountability of a child.” Few modern women can say, “I take complete responsibility for the consequences of my actions” and default into tears and victim consciousness. Unfortunately, many modern men are exhibiting these immature behaviors as well. These men are also the obedient foot soldiers who tear down other men who aren’t “with the program.”The men who have chosen to just “play it safe” and do what women want will end up walking in lockstep towards the hill that modern feminists have bitterly decided to die on. These are the Nice Guys and white knights, who still carry the fantasy of pleasing/saving mommy and not being like “those other men.” These men repress and deny the pain and shame they carry, and in doing so repress and deny their masculine edge. Not only that, these men also deny and repress their needs because in order to caretake mommy, they had to give up asking for their own needs to be met. Such was the case with me in my romantic pursuits. I would shower women with attention that they never asked for, but in my mind bending over backward for her meant “I’ve been a good boy, so you should give me what I want, but am afraid to ask for. You owe me!” This is the breeding ground for bitterness and resentment, an element that many men within the online incel and MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) community ruminate on with the same air of miserable entitlement that feminists do. I call this out because I see how men who experience “red pill rage” or the cynicism within the incel and MGTOW community are reacting to feminists. I get it, and I sometimes experience it myself. While the rage is a necessary part of the journey of healing, you cannot stay there and blame women for your misery in the same way that feminists have blamed men. This pendulum swing from one extreme to the other only perpetuates the hamster wheel of misery. Toxic masculinity and toxic femininity are just two sides of the same coin: immaturity. This bifurcation of mutual resentment is exactly why men and women are more miserable than they ever have been in history. 
So what’s the solution for men? Personal responsibility or what Jocko Willink calls “extreme ownership.” Own the reality that women and the world do not owe you anything. Take responsibility for the fact that no one is responsible for your happiness but you. Take responsibility for the fact that no one is responsible for your suffering but you. While you may have experienced abuse and harm at the hands of others, it is up to you to heal yourself. If the same choices and behaviors are not getting you what you want, it might be a good time to reflect on “what unconscious wound are my behaviors operating from?” For the Nice Guys and white knights out there, why is it so important for you to be liked by women? What does it mean to you if you achieve the prize of being liked and saving a woman from her woes? If you are willing to make the courageous choice to set aside your fixations on women to fill the void within you and instead stare straight into the void and face it, you will open up an entire inner world. It is here where you will discover who you are and what you are about. As your inner landscape shifts, so will your outer world and the relationships you have in it. This path is not for the faint of heart. It will require blood, sweat, tears and demand you to feel and acknowledge every emotion that you avoid. Such is the price of reclaiming your Self. But once you know your Self, you can’t lose it. And you are more likely to attract a woman who is in alignment with your core Self as opposed to a woman who offers you the illusion of connection and relationship. There is a massive opportunity here. In the same way that coal becomes diamond under heat and pressure, men can become more solid in their masculine core under the pressure of modern feminism. This isn’t so much about fighting against as it is about standing firm. It is time for men to reclaim their masculine edge. This is your birthright.Some practical steps if you feel the call to begin this journey:Check out the resources page of my websiteCheck out my Youtube series Reclaiming MasculinityWork with a therapist, life coach, or healer who has walked the path before and can support, guide, and challenge you. I recommend working with both men and women in these fields so you can heal your wounds in relation to both the feminine and the masculine.