(Originally posted on my Instagram)
This one is for the men.
Sooner or later you will encounter a woman caught in the storm of her emotions. It's only natural. It isn't something to fix or change in the moment. It is something to be present with.
Unfortunately, many men struggle to be present with and allow a woman to feel her difficult emotions. Often this is because he struggles to remain centered in himself when her storm arrives.
Out of habit or unconsciousness, he may seek to fix her, change her, change himself, or do anything in his power to try and make her happy again.
There are three scenarios in which a woman might bring her difficult emotions to you.
1) When she wants to share what is going on for her and wants you to simply listen.
2) You are in the wrong and she is letting you know it.
3) When you rightly challenge her or stand your ground in a manner that triggers unpleasant emotions in her that she then turns onto you.
The purpose of this post is to speak to the latter. She is right to challenge you back if you are out of integrity. If that is the case, own it. However the focus of this post is for when men crumble even though he has done nothing wrong.
Many men in the modern West have turned into emotional caretakers. These men cannot tolerate difficult emotions in his woman, especially when she turns them onto him. In an anxious effort to smooth over things and try and bring himself back into her good graces, he falls into her frame and forfeits his own.
What this leads to is men and women who cannot tolerate difficult emotions. Men now caretake the difficult emotions of their woman (and daughters).
This leads to an infantilization of these women. She has now become conditioned to believe that it is his job to make her feel better and that she shouldn't have to feel difficult emotions.
This presents as a big problem when men rightly challenge a woman when she is out of line or acting out of integrity. Because so many men have given up their truth, many women have gotten used to having their way with men and steamrolling them.
I can't necessarily blame women here. Men, you bear the responsibility for giving up your ground. Perhaps she is behaving like a brat because subconsciously she wants you to put her in her place.
At this point it should be no mystery why so many women are drawn to 50 Shades of Grey. In an age of rabid feminism and emasculated men, the only place women can find that man who will put her in her place are the unfaithful bad boys and in her fantasies.
Of course women have their part to own in this equation as well, but for now I'm focusing on the men.
Some women cannot make the distinction between her behaviors and who she is. To her, especially when she is triggered, they are one and the same. "I feel bad" quickly becomes, "I am a bad person" in her mind. Because that feels intolerable to her, she'll externalize onto you as the bad guy responsible for her feeling that way.
There is nothing bad or wrong about letting her experience these difficult emotions. They are a part of life. You letting her feel them without crumbling is actually a gift. It communicates to her that you can handle it, have boundaries, and are a man who will not just "take it" because somehow women can do no wrong.
Women are not fragile creatures. And if they are it's because men have allowed it and tolerated it. Sugar, spice, and everything nice is only half of her expression. She also has the Kali Ma - the Destroyer. Trust that she can handle feeling upset when she doesn't get her way - she needs to learn it from someone. Why not you?
Men, you do a disservice when you rush to smooth over tension and try to keep a woman from feeling upset towards you. It's not that she is fragile. It's that you can't tolerate how you feel when she is upset. You project your own fragility onto her and then make the conclusion, "Women must not ever feel upset. I must do everything in my power to make sure she is never mad at me."
Treat women as emotionally fragile and she will either live up to it OR rage against it.
I have been this man the majority of my life. You are not alone. Many modern men struggle with this because we have been conditioned. No one taught us this stuff. Know that I can empathize with you if you are thinking, "How the hell was I supposed to know!? I don't want women to ever be upset with me. I'm just trying to be good and do the right thing!"
It's what we heard from our mothers. "Good boys don't misbehave. Good boys never upset their mother!" Add on the omnipresent messages about how toxic men are and how we should just shut up because "the future is female" it is no surprise why many men have made the decision to squash their masculine brilliance and just obey.
The lion in you has been domesticated, caged, and mocked and the world is suffering because of it.
If you're feeling angry reading this, good. It's probably long overdue. The key is to transform this anger into action that is conducive. It might be easy to say, "well if women just changed-" I get that, I really do. But the only person we can ever change is ourself so I say start there.
Embarking on this journey will likely arouse a lot of anxiety. It's only natural. You are going against years and maybe even lifetimes of conditioning. But this is the way forward.
Do not expect women to necessarily like this either. She might actually push back even more as you begin to step more into your masculine core. See this as a gift, too. Treat it as her asking you, "How serious are you about owning your power? Will you stand even if I push harder?" You'll thank each other later.
It's time to set the lion free and for the King to return to his throne.